Operation Figg
by Unknown Foolish Lil Devil 66
Summary: An insane rambling story cowritten by Lil Devil 66 and Unknown Fool. Yuki and Kyo are in love with Tohru. But will Akito come in between? Of course he will, and we're gonna make him! 3rd chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

Well . . . . Today is the dawning of a new era! Today, Lil Devil 66 and I shall start . . . A JOINT STORY! (No, it's not about weed. Frickin pot heads)

Basically, I will write one chapter, and then Lil Devil will write another. I warn you now. The plot will be non-existent, some characters will act OOC, and blatant random fan service will occur.

**Operation Figg  
Chapter 1**

Tohru glanced about her. The kitchen was spotless after a recent episode on Kyo's behalf of "Hey! Lets smoothies out of eggs and steak without the blender cap on!" . . . and, needless to say, it hadn't been pretty. Though, it took a long time to replace the refrigerator after Yuki threw Kyo at it when Kyo had gotten Yuki covered in steak/egg smoothie. Yum.

In celebration of the event, Tohru had gone out and bought a new exotic cookbook, and planned on making a brand new dish tonight!

"Hmm," Tohru muttered to herself as she flipped through the book, "The Cheating Man's Desert? One cup of flour, two cups of sugar—Oh hi Yuki-kun!"

Yuki smiled at Tohru, "Hello Honda-san," and walked over to the fridge, pulling out a cherry red Popsicle.

"Yuki-kun, what's 'semen'?"

TheRatNow Known As Yuki, upon hearing those words, started to choke on said cherry Popsicle.

After a few seconds of hacking, he looked up, "Why are you asking that?" Yuki wheezed.

Tohru pointed at the cookbook and smiled, "It said I needed some to make some cookies. Interesting name though, 'The Cheating Man's Desert'. Is it for dishonest poker players? Or—"

"Nevermindwhatitisletsgooutandgetsomethingelsetomake (If you are unable to read this, a translation provided by Babble Fish: Minds never go out what is let it, and receive something else, to make. (Read the bottom))" Yuki quickly interrupted, grabbing Tohru by the arm, her purse, and running out the door in a single breath.

And of course, as fate would have it, they run into Kyo.

"Hey watch where you're going, you Rat!" he snarled as Tohru grabbed his hand and pulled him along. "Wha—HEY! I want no part in your mad adventure!" He screamed as he was pulled into their mad adventure. (DUN DUN!)

**000000**

"Here we are!" Tohru announced to no one in general, clapping her hands together in glee, "The Supermarket!"

While Tohru and Kyo started to go into the building, Yuki stopped to stare at it. After a while, they realized he wasn't following, and looked behind.

"Yuki-kun? What is it?" Tohru asked

Yuki didn't reply, only looking up at the building as though it was cursed, "Maybe I just imagined it . . . but I swore I felt the aura of something irreversibly evil . . ."

"You probably DID imagine it, you brain dead rat!" Kyo huffed, and started to follow Tohru, who had started to skip into the building.

The rat blinked, mentally shrugged, and then followed them in . . . to their certain doom. DUN DUN! (Heeheeheeee)

**000000**

Once inside, the group split into three. Tohru trotted over to the fruit area, looking for the main ingredient for her meal, and Yuki went to admire the fine choices of cheese. Kyo, however, went over to the meat section, drooling over the choice cut pieces of pork, chicken, turkey, London broil . . . steak . . . beef tenderloins . . . buffalo burgers . . . Ahh . . . . Erm, right, back to the story.

"Attention, leak in aisle seven. Leak in aisle seven," rang out over the speaker system, sounding bored.

Tohru was browsing through the fruits. There were some delicious looking choices around, cherries, apples, but none of the fruit she was looking for. She quickly looked over to her left, and accidentally bumped into the person standing right there.

"Ohmigosh, I'm sorry!" Tohru rushed, "I didn't see you there! Are . . ." she trailed off, staring in shock at the person.

"Hatsuharu-san? What are you doing?" she exclaimed, looking at her friend, who was unexplainably wearing a large cow outfit, complete with a bell. The only way she could actually identify it was the Ox was his face peering out from a large hole in the neck.

"Yo," he said, flashing the peace sign with his hooves, "And I'm helping advertise a new brand of eggs."

"Then why are you in the produce area? I thought eggs were by the bread."

"Because," he announced, "I'm here for you! You're gonna come to my Cow-Cave, and we're going to fight evil while you wear a super-tight leather outfit."

Tohru gasped. "But, leather chafes my skin!"

Hatsuharu looked apologetic and shrugged, "Would you rather wear nylon?"

Before she could reply, she saw Yuki's foot slam into Hatsuharu's head, who fell over on the ground, K.O.'d!

Duhduhduh duh duh, duh duh duh! You found 6 coins! Tohru gains a level!

"WHAT? BUT SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"Are you arguing with the Narrator?" Tohru asked, shocked beyond belief, so shocked she was talking in a delightfully British accent, "Don't argue! The last person to argue with the Narrator was Hatori! That's how he lost his eye!"

" . . . but Hatori lost his eye when Akito attacked him . . . a Narrator didn't—"

"THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK! A NARRATOR DID IT!"

"Riiiiight . . . what was my line again?" Yuki asked, looking perplexed.

There was going to be some hawt TxY action going on.

"Really?" Yuki questioned, "I thought—"

TXY ACTION! NOW!

The force of the words knocked Tohru to the ground, where she hit her head and briefly passed out. Yuki, concerned for her, rushed to her side and cradled her head. She opened her eyes, glazing at him through her long lashes, "Yuki-kun? What's wrong?" she asked.

His expression cleared a little, but it remained clouded. "Are you hurt? Can you move?"

Shifting slightly, she realized that she was lying in his arms, on the ground of the Supermarket, while he kneeled beside her (it wasn't technically a hug). A blush slowly rose in her cheeks.

_There's a calm surrender to the rush of day  
When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away_

"I'm alright, Yuki-kun," she whispered, smiling "You don't have to worry about me."

"But I want to worry, Tohru,"

_An enchanted moment, and it sees me through  
It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you_

The two stared at each other for a moment. Yuki, working up every ounce of courage he had, closed his eyes and leaned closer. Realizing what was coming, Tohru blushed even more and closed her eyes as well.

_And caaaaaaaaaaaaaan you feeeeeeeeeeeel the loooooooooooove toni—_"OW! Hatori! What'd you do that for!"

"Good lord, have you taken leave of your senses! How did you get this piano in the speaker room! And take those ridiculous glasses off! You look like Elton John!"

"Anything is possible with love! And you're just jealous that pink-shaded heart-shaped glasses look better on me then you."

Opening their eyes quickly, the pair glanced up at the ceiling where the voices were arguing.

Yuki gasped. "That's SHIGURE! HE'S the NARRATOR!" DUN DUN! (What, thought they went away?)

No, that's me.

Tohru nodded. "And Hatori-sama as well! They're both Narrators!"

I'm right HERE!

"I didn't know that they such powerful characters in the story!" continued Yuki, ignoring the voice.

SIGH.

"Haatoriiiiiii! Gimme my glasses back! I can't sing alluring songs to the young lovers without my glasses!"

"Then I don't think I'll ever give them back. The world has enough to deal with without your singing."

"But I was going to sing 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing'!"

" . . . I'm going to burn these, and bury the ashes."

"Fine! I'll sing anyways!" _I could stay awake just to heeeear you breaaathing. Watch you smile while you're sleeping, while you're far away dreaming,_

Yuki just arched his eyebrows, staring at the ceiling.

"Hey! Ayame! There you are!"

"Yes! I brought the matching purple suits you asked for! Now we can look STUNNING while we sing!"

"Perfect! I'm the middle of one! Join me!"

_I could spend my life in this sweeeeet surrender  
__I could stay lost in this moment forevvvvvvvvah  
__Every moment I spend with you is a moment I TREAAAAAASUUUURRRREEEEEEE!_

Kyo came around the corner, holding two packages of meat. "Hey, can we get the lemon basted turkey breasts or . . ." he paused and looked at the ceiling. "What the . . . is that Shigure . . . and AYAME?"

"Sing with us Hatori!"

"You know you want to!"

_I DON'T WANNA CLOSE ME EEEEEYES!  
__DON'T WANNA FALL ASLEEP  
__CAUSE I'D MISS YOU BABY  
__AND I DON'T WANNA MISS A THAAAAAANG!_

"My mind reels with your stupidity while my ears bleed. Give me the intercom, and no one will get hurt."  
_  
CAUSE EVEN WHEN I DREAM OF YOOOOU  
__THE SWEETEST DREAM WILL NEVER DOOOOO  
__I'D STILL MISS YOU BABY  
__AND I DON'T WANNA MISS A THAAAAAANG! _

"Ayame, have they kissed yet?"

"Oh, is that why we're singing? And who's kissing?"

"It WAS supposed to be Yuki and Tohru, but—"

"OH MY GOD, I GET TO HELP MY BROTHER SCORE WITH THE WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS! DON'T WORRY YUKI DEAR! YOUR BIG BROTHER WILL HELP YOU MAKE-OUT WITH YOUR TRUE LOVE!"

Upon that, Yuki began to hit his head against a near-by wall.

Kyo turned angrily to Yuki, tears welling up in his eyes. "You like HER! I thought we had something SPECIAL!"

Yuki stopped banging his head and looked over at the cat, with an "Omg, wtf, bbq" look on his face.

"All those long, passionate nights together meant NOTHING! And what about those midnight trysts! And the 2:30 A.M. trysts! And the Nearly-Sunrise-But-Still-Dark trysts!" Kyo demanded.

"Actually," Hatsuharu interrupted, getting up, "That was ME!"

"Um . . . But you're about seven inches taller than Yuki . . . I would have noticed," Kyo said, looking confused.

"Because I really am," Hatsuharu paused, pushing back the giant cow face off his head, and pulling back the mask he was wearing, "It's ME!" he crowed triumphantly, throwing the mask of Hatsuharu to the floor.

" . . . Brittney Spears?" guessed Tohru cocking her head to the side looking at the new person.

"No, no, Spears is blonde. That's obviously Jennifer Lopez," Yuki corrected, nodding sagely, in a very Shigure-like way.

"Come on! Jennifer Lopez isn't THAT ugly!" Kyo snorted, gesturing to the face

"I'm AKITO!" Akito screamed, glaring daggers at the trio, a Fire of Rage appearing behind him.

"Ooohhhh . . ." the three chorused, pausing at the idea of Kyo andYuki-Who-Is-Really-Akito getting it on. "Ewww . . ."

_I'M CLOSE TO YOU, FEELING YOUR HEART BEATING  
__AND I'M WONDERING WHAT YOU'RE DREAMING  
__WONDERING IF IT'S ME YOU'RE SEEING  
__THEN I KISS YOUR EYES  
__AND THANK GOD WE'RE TOGETHER  
__I JUST WANT TO STAY WITH YOU  
__IN THIS MOMENT FOREVAH _("Go Ayame! Sing it!")  
_FOREVAH AND EVAAAAAAAAH!_

**000000**

TAH-DAH!

Please review (sending either praise, criticism, flames, or ideas, we're just happy that someone bothered to read), and keep an eye out for the next chapter, written by Lil Devil 66!

And yes, that is how it translates if you run that sentance through BabbleFish Translator

Unknown Fool

(P.S. – The idea of an idiot serenading a near-kissing couple came from the wonderful fanfic "Make like a Banana", which no longer exists.)


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Ok………..this is LD66.

Audience: WTF?

LD66: LIL DEVIL 66, YOU IDIOTS!

Audience: OOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………..

LD66: That's right, baby!

Audience: Are you the opening act for UF?

LD66:…………no?

Audience: leaves We'll be back for UF……….

LD66: Wait! Come back! cries TT.TT

* * *

WARNING! IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BEGINNING, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY BEING STUPID! THIS IS THE WORK OF LD66! QUICKLY PRESS THE 'BACK' BUTTON AND COME BACK IN ROUGHLY THREE DAYS, UF SHOULD HAVE POSTED THE NEXT CHAPPIE BY THEN. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

WARNING NUMERO DOS: EXTREME OOC. IF YOU DON'T SWING THAT WAY…READ ON ANYWAY.

* * *

DISCLAIMER:

Police: bursts into the room Put your hands up! You have been charged with illegal copyright charges.

LD66: points to UF It was all her!

UF: No! It was all her idea!

LD66: No….look! She has red paint all over her hands!

UF: LD66?

LD66: Yes?

UF: Caught red-handed is only a figure of speech.

LD66: I knew that…ehehehe….?

Police: sweat drops Have you noticed how the criminals are getting stupider and stupider?

IMPORTANT STUFF: You'll see a lot of familiar stuff, so don't sue us. Read our disclaimer, we're already in trouble with the police.

* * *

RECAP: There is no recap! Press the button back to Chapter One and scroll down. There's your recap!

* * *

**ACTUAL STORY BEGINS HERE**

"Wait! So all this time…it's been you?" asked Kyo angrily.

_Oh baby, baby  
How was I supposed to know  
That something wasn't right here  
_  
_My loneliness is killing me  
I must confess I still believe  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind  
Give me a sign  
_

"Yes! It was me!" cackled Akito.

"But Yuki! I thought you loved me?" cried Kyo.

"I love Honda-san!"

"Tohru…do you love Yuki?"

"I…I don't know." Stammered Tohru.

"Well, if Yuki loves you….then I do too."

"You can't love that selfish bitch! You all have to love ME!" he growled angrily.

_Oh baby, baby  
I shouldn't have let you go  
And now you're out of sight, yeah  
Show me how want it to be  
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because_

_My loneliness is killing me  
I must confess I still believe  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind  
Give me a sign  
Hit me baby one more time_

Kyo went up to Akito and slapped him. _("Yeah! You show him Kyo-kun!")_

Akito had tears in his eyes, "What did you do that for?"

"The song required it."

_Oh baby, baby  
The reason I breathe is you  
Boy you got me blinded  
Oh pretty baby  
There's nothing that I wouldn't do  
It's not the way I planned it  
Show me how you want it to be  
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because_

"I can't live without you, Kyo-kun! Please! Come back to me!" begged Akito.

"Well, that's too bad. I love...Tohru." Kyo blushed and glanced at Tohru to find her blushing too.

"If you don't love me...who will?"

_My loneliness is killing me (Oh! Pick me, Akito-sama! Gure-san and I will love you forever!)  
I must confess I still believe (Yeah, we will!)  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind  
Give me a sign  
Hit me baby one more time _

Kyo slapped Akito again.

"Stop...doing...THAT!" Akito growled, holding his swelling cheek.

"I can't...it's like an impulse...I have to do what Britney Spears tells me to do!"

"Then hit her, not me!"

"She's in America! You're the only one who looks like her...without plastic surgery...but it'll do!"

_Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know  
Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go  
I must confess, that my loneliness is killing me now  
Don't you know I still believe_

Akito's eyes went as big as saucers. "No, you idiots! Don't sing the part! DON'T SING THE PART!"

_That you will be here ("But, we have too! Our faithful singers want to hear our beautiful voices!"  
And give me a sign  
Hit me baby one more time_

But before Kyo could slap Akito, Akito ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. (Which wasn't really fast...)

"How long do you think Akito-sama will last?" asked Tohru.

"I'll give him..." Yuki stroked his chin...in a very non-perverted Shigure manner, "30 seconds."

"One minute."

"You're on."

_My loneliness is killing me  
I must confess I still believe  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind  
Give me a sign..._

_Hit me baby one more time_

/30 seconds later/

Akito came running back, with Kyo on his heels. After 30 seconds of running around in circles, Kyo had finally slapped him...twice.

"One minute! I win!" Tohru cheered. She put out her right hand. Yuki sighed before taking out a ten and placing it in her eager hand.

/30 more seconds later./

"Akito-sama! You're awake!"

"What do _you _want? Don't you have enough? You've taken all of them from me! But you'll pay! You'll regret ever crossing _the _Akito Harumo Satoshi Yukuro Miasho Idotashi Tatoshi Yumiro Wamashi Zabushi Daisuke Hamasuiichi…" And…everyone fell asleep for about ten minutes until he was finished… "Amashito Sohma!" He looked around to find everyone sleeping. "WAKE UP, YOU IDIOTS!"

Everyone woke up with a start.

"Wah?" murmured Tohru.

"What did you want to ask me, you bitch?"

"Um…I don't remember…" Tohru blushed at her stupidity.

"Well, you were about to ask me, now what was it?"

"Um…oh yeah…where did you get that mask?" Yuki and Kyo nodded in agreement.

"It's obviously from China! Can't you even read?" He pointed at the mask's forehead to find the words 'MADE IN CHINA' in big, bold letters.

"I don't know what disturbs me more…" Hatori started, "the fact that we actually missed that, or the fact that they actually make and sell these things in China."

"HATORI-SAN!" screamed Tohru as she latched herself onto Hatori's waist. "How did you get here? Weren't you in the speaker room with Shigure-san and Ayame-san?"

"Tohru, you naïve little girl, Hatori-_san_ was obviously abducted by the loch monsters of an unknown island called Ireland and given super special medical powers of transportation to rush to the scene of injury!" replied Akito. Tohru was taking all of this in, while everyone else stared at Akito in a WTF/ poor-fucking-brainless-fool/ why-is-he-the-leader-of-our-zodiac-group fashion.

"Oh!" Tohru put on her serious thinking face. That was totally logical! Why didn't _she_ think that? Tohru started to blubber and cry.

"What's wrong, Honda-san?" Yuki quickly rushed to Tohru, but was stopped by Hatori.

"Tohru, what's wrong?"

"Why couldn't _I _think about that? It's the only possible solution! I mean, it's not like he actually took the _stairs_ or something!" At her reply, everyone all fell…anime style...well, except for Akito…he was just…smirking evilly.

"It's okay, I have the boo-boo-aids to help you feel better."

"What the hell are boo-boo-aids?" asked Kyo.

Hatori sighed and held up a shiny, neon green box. It had a piece of paper reading, "Boo-Boo-Aid" taped on top of a Viagra box. It shined with the holy powers of medical-ness. Innocent bystanders gawked at its greatness before bowing down and chanted incoherent words. The chanting was so…unified and…brainless that it pummeled the scene from _The Mummy_, where the people say, "Imotep…Imotep…"

_The new Boo-Boo-Aids from Hatori's Cabinet can be found in aisle four with the alarm clocks._

"Hatori, you do realize that those have already been invented as the 'Owie-Aid'?" asked Akito.

"Damn! You tell one guy at the lingerie store and-" Hatori mumbled, but he carefully pulled out two 'Boo-Boo-Aids' and put them in an 'X' fashion on her forehead.

"Hatori?"

"Yes, Yuki?"

"What are _you_ doing with a Viagra box?"

"It's not mine, if _that's_ what you're implying. It's Akito's."

"Hatori!" cried Akito indignantly, "You promised you'd never tell anyone! How _could _you?" And with that, Akito ran off to the bathroom. (Women's, if you must know. Poor gender-confused Akito.)

Everyone was sort of standing there, when Tohru popped the question.

"Sohma-kun?"

"Yes, Honda-san?"

"What is Vi-ah-gra?"

"Um…" Yuki shuffled uncomfortably. He could hear Kyo sniggering in the back. "I don't know either. Why don't you ask Kyo?" Yuki smirked.

"Hey! Don't pull me into this!" Kyo saw Tohru's pleading eyes. Kyo sighed, "It's a type of medication. And Hatori's a doctor. Why don't ya ask him?" Kyo pointed at the dazed doctor.

"Hatori-san?"

"Yes?"

"What is Vi-ah-gra?"

"Um..." Hatori started…normally he would have told her a really detailed explanation, but seeing as she was seventeen and still naïve, he decided to tell her in a more…undetailed way, "well, it's stuff that old men use to have a baby."

"Oh…so it's like…Jesus in pill-form!"

"Eh?"

"You know, Mom told me that in order to have a baby, you have to ask Jesus, and he'll give you the baby."

"Um…sure, let's go with that."

Suddenly, Ritsu showed up. Only…….he wasn't dressed like a woman. He was dressed as……Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean! And behind him were a crew….of pirates!

"It says here that X marks the spot." Ritsu claimed.

"X marks the spot, eh?" The pirate with no hair asked. His beady eyes scanned the area before zeroing on Tohru. But mainly her forehead, where there was a giant, green boo-boo-aid in an X fashion.

"I found the treasure boys! And what a treasure she is! Looks like we won't need our shovels, eh Captain?"

"It says the treasure is gold, gold, and more gold……"

"Hmm….maybe the gold is inside the girl."

Suddenly, the speaker started to talk. "Tools for dissecting 17-year-old, AB+ blood type, 119 lb, 5 ft. 6in. girls are located in aisle 20. Thank you."

"Shigure….that fucking idiot!" exclaimed Kyo.

"Honda-san?" asked Yuki as he nudged her.

"Yes, Sohma-kun?"

"Run." And with that Kyo and Yuki grabbed one hand and ran towards aisle one, while the pirates ran towards aisle 20.

Kyo, Yuki, and Tohru hid behind the bakery.

"Hey! This area is for employees only!" When the three didn't listen, the man with the fancy, white hat threw down his towel and exclaimed, "Hey! Did ya hear me? This area is-" But his answer was cut short when Kyo and Yuki effectively knocked him out for a good hour or so.

Tohru poked her little head out.

"There she is!" called the pirates.

"Meep!" she cried before ducking back into the safety of the glass.

"Come out, puppet! We know you're here."

Instead of Tohru, Yuki and Kyo came out. They were dangerously armed with rubber spatulas and wire whisks. (They couldn't find the knife drawer.)

"Ah! A duel for the girl, eh?" asked Ritsu, "All right. Whoever wins the duel, gets the girl."

"Ritsu-chan? What happened to you?" cried Tohru. "Where's the shy, kind Ritsu that I know?"

"He's gone! And the name's Captain Jack Sparrow now! Men, ATTACK!" And so, it all came down to this.

Yuki and Kyo fought bravely with their spatulas and whisks. But it was an ill attempt, after all, the pirates were armed with sharp swords. Within minutes, Yuki and Kyo were down. Each with a few cuts on their cheeks, arms, and legs. They were both knocked unconscious.

_**DING!**_

_**Intermission**_

**I am the narrator. And because these foolish mortals **(Kyo: Hey! You're a mortal too!) **have bended to my will, I have decided to give them a 10 minute break. **

Yuki and Kyo both arose from their spots. Tohru looked shocked.

"Tohru, are you coming? We only have 10 minutes to drink some coffee!" yelled Kyo, beckoning her to follow them to the coffee shop. Tohru soon got over her shock and followed them to get some caffeine. The pirates came too. They were all civil and stuck out their pinkies when drinking.

**_DING!_**

**Come on people! Intermission is over! Get back in your places!**

Yuki and Kyo threw away their coffee and went back to their places on the ground. The pirates thanked the waitress before getting back into their evil positions. Tohru went back behind the glass.

**And…ACTION!**

Tohru had tears in her eyes.

"Please, Rit- I mean, Captain Jack Sparrow…don't do this.

"And why should we do that?"

"I…I can make you all something to eat!"

At this, the pirates froze. Something to eat, eh?

"All right, puppet. But only because you have a pretty face! If you make us a dessert that we all love, we won't rip you apart."

"Yay! I have the perfect dessert in mind! How about, 'the Cheating Man's Dessert'?"

"Is it for dishonest Poker players?"

"I think so?"

"Then sure! We're all dishonest Poker players, ain't we crew?"

"Ay!" cried the mob.

Yuki and Kyo sweat dropped. Are _they _naïve, or are _we _perverted?

"Come on Sohma-kun and Kyo-kun! We have to look for semen!" Before any of them could protest, she had grabbed their hands and dragged them along to aisle six.

Tohru looked around before she squealed with triumph.

"Look! I found it! Semen in a can!" She held up the can for them to see. Yuki and Kyo choked.

"They actually sell this stuff in cans?" yelled Kyo. He grabbed the can from Tohru's hand to inspect it.

"_Seamen. Stuff of the sea made from mermen."_ He read.Kyo and Yuki fell at the same time. They went to huddle in a corner.

"We are perverted! Such impure thoughts! We're morphing into Shigure clones! So wrong!" cried Yuki.

"Well, can you blame us? It is, after all, called 'semen'. It could've been the other stuff."

"What other stuff?" asked Tohru, who 'magically' appeared right next to Kyo.

"Ack! Tohru!" yelled Kyo in surprise.

Tohru, thinking it was game, yelled too. "YES?"

"I'm right here! Why are you yelling?" Kyo cried as he covered his ears.

"I'm sorry! But what is the other stuff?"

Kyo blushed… "Um…don't you have food to make?"

"Oh no!" Tohru was mortified. She quickly grabbed the can from Kyo and ran back to the bakery.

---------------meep----------------------

"_Hello! This is Shigure and Ayame's time to shine! We will advertise balls. I'm Shigure and I've got balls!" _

"_I have balls too! I've got color changing ones! It's a red-ish, pink-ish color and when you squeeze it too tightly…it turns a blue-ish purple!"_

"_Ayame! We don't want to know about _those_ balls! Just the ones we're selling!"_

"_But we _are _selling them! I just brought a couple to sell!"_

"_Oh…okay!"_

"_I also have hairy balls! They've got nice fuzzy hair on them, and when you rub them the right way…why start to vibrate!"_

"_Well, that's all we have time for now! Check out our ball-stand in aisle seven!"_

------------------------meep--------------------

Yuki and Kyo looked at each other. _That was so wrong._

By the time Yuki and Kyo came back, Tohru was covered with flour, eggs, sugar, 'seamen', and a lot of other stuff. The dessert was already in the oven.

In precisely 12 minutes and 34 seconds, the timer went off.

"Yay! It's ready!" Tohru cheered as she opened the oven and took out the desserts. They were in the shape of really cute skulls, ships, and doubloons.

She passed them out to the eager pirates.

"Well? What do you think?"

"It's……good! You pass. Now, you don't have to die." Cheered Ritsu. Suddenly, he choked. His hand rose to his chest and clutched it. Tohru was immediately by his side.

"Are you okay? What is wrong?" she cried. (Yuki and Kyo just watched…not really interested.)

Suddenly he jumped up screaming, "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SSOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYY!" Tohru clamped her ears shut.

"Ritsu-chan? Is that you?"

"Tohru-chan? W-where am I?"

_-----another annoucement------------_

_Hello, this is Shigure speaking. Ayame and I have decided to role play! _

_"Ayame! Look! Your weenus is dry! Let me get the lotion from aisle 12 to rub it for you!"_

_"Why, thank you, Shigure! It's friends like you who keep my weenus from flaking!"_

_"No problem, Ayame! And to all of our faithful listeners out there, don't let your weenus become dried out like Ayame's! Look at our selection of lotions in aisle 12!"_

_----------end annoucement---------_

"Shigure-san bought this grocery store!" explained Tohru.

"Oh no! I forgot to congratulate him! I'M SO SORRY! I must go now to congratulate him!" He looked nervously at his outfit. "Tohru-chan?"

"Yes, Ritsu-chan?"

"May I ask you a favor?"

"Of course!"

"Will you trade outfits with me?"

Tohru looked confused, "Why?"

"I don't feel comfortable wearing pants!" whined Ritsu.

"Okay…but I'd like it back, Uo-chan bought it for me for my birthday!"

"Thank you so much, Tohru-chan!"

"Come on, let's go to the Ladies bathroom to change."

"Okay!"

As Tohru and Ritsu entered the bathroom, they heard a wailing through the stalls.

"Um...are you okay in there?" asked Tohru nervously. She was rewarded with a sentence of incoherent words, a wail, and a cry.

"Why don't you open the door and you can talk about it?" Tohru waited for a few moments before the door finally opened, showing a broken Akito.

"Oh! Akito-sama!"

"What are _you_ doing in the Men's bathroom?"

"Um…actually, Akito-sama…_you're_ in the Ladies bathroom." Tohru blushed with embarrassment. "Do you want to tell me your problems? You'll feel better if you do…"

"I don't wanna tell you…….wahhh! Hatori told you my secret!"

"What secret?"

"About the Viagra!"

"Oh…well, I don't think that there is anything wrong with that."

"But he told you! He broke his promise!"

"Well, I'm sure he's really sorry, right Ritsu-chan?"

"Right!"

"But… now you know!"

"That you want babies?" she asked in a confused manner.

"No! That I can't have _it_."

"What is _it_?"

"AN ERECTION!"

"Um…what's an erection?"

Akito sighed. "You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…"

* * *

"Wow…." Tohru blushed. "Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of!"

"It makes me feel…feel…_old!_" he spat.

"You don't even look a day over twenty-five!"

"I'm twenty."

"Oh…well…you still look beautiful, right Ritsu-chan?"

"Of course! Right, Ritsu-chan?"

"Right!"

"You both think I'm old!"

"No, no, no! That's not it at all! I think you're beautiful! If I had seen you a year before, I would've fallen head over heels in love with you!"

"Really?" he asked as he wiped a stray tear off.

"Yes."

"…Thank you……both of you."

Tohru was a bit startled when Akito actually THANKED her…but smiled. "Your welcome."

"This doesn't make us friends…so don't think I like you."

"Ok." Tohru smiled. Akito seemed really mean and cold, but inside…he was just a big ol' teddy bear.

"I'm leaving to find Hatori." And with that, Akito-sama left.

"Okay, well…we better change now." They both went into a stall and swapped clothing.

"Ritsu-chan?"

"Yes?"

"Will you help me put the wig, beard, and other accessories on?"

"Okay!"

When the final accessory was put on, a blinding, white light surrounded Tohru. Ritsu shielded his eyes and turned away. A familiar voice in the background sang the song 'itzy bitsy teeny weeny yellow-poke-a-dot bikini.' (But it was probably Shigure and Ayame going atit)As the song ended, the light faded away. In the middle of the bathroom stood Tohru…with an evil smirk.

"So, lassie…where's the gold?"

* * *

Thank you to all of those who reviewed so far...even though they aren't for me.

LD66: Okay! For those who survived! What'd ya think? I know…not as great as the first chappie…but who do you think I am…UF?

Audience: Wait…so you're _really_ not her?"

LD66: sweat drops…and cries You mean that the only reason that you actually kept reading it was because you thought I was UF?

Audience: Basically….yeah…

LD66: WAHHH!

UF: It's okay…it's not your fault you can't be me….

FB Characters: What kind of sick twisted story are you making us play?

LD66: Mehehehehehehe…………….Okay…I know I'm not the best writer in the world…but could you at least review and tell me it was…not that bad? At least tell me that your eyes bled in horror…please?


	3. Chapter 3

Tah dah! I'm back! (Ignore whatever Lil Devil 66 said about her work being horrible. She's way too modest for her own good.)

Disclaimer:

Me: (shoves all the illegal documents proclaiming we own Fruits Basket into Lil Devil's hands) IT WAS HER IDEA! HER'S! WAAAAAAAHHH!

Lil Devil: . . . . You really do crumble in the face of danger . . .

Me: WAHAAHAHAAAAA!

**000000**

Tohru looked down at herself, in all her salty-dog spectacular-ness. The clothes were a little baggy, but it was all there. The faded leather boots, the enormous jacket, the rapier, the handy-dandy pistols, the temporary tattoos and most of all, the hat. Grinning underneath the stick-a-beard, she looked over at Ritsu.

"Tohru-san?" Ritsu asked, looking at his companion in worry, "Why are you smiling like that?"

"Because lass, I am Captain Jack Sparrow!"

Upon her utterance of those words, a siren came in the left corner of the ceiling went off. The lights in bathroom turned a dark red, and all of the bomb-proof safety-doors coming down on all the exits. Behind them, a toilet flushed, and out stepped a whole group of federal lawyers and FBI agents. Ritsu stared at the lawyers in horror.

One of the agents turned to a lawyer. "What's the case?"

"A CR-31019, code pinkish-yellow."

The agent nodded. "Hm . . . Young man . . . woman . . . thing!" he turned to address Tohru.

"Aye?"

"You've been charged with stealing the legally copy-righted name of Captain Jack Sparrow, owned by Disney," he fell to his knees, "Our wonderful Lord and Master, may it live on forever."

The rest of them bowed their head solemnly, "Amen."

When they looked up, two little dust-clouds hovered where Tohru and Ritsu had been standing. They looked behind them, and saw the Jack-clad Tohru standing triumphantly on the rim of the toilet, Ritsu cowering behind her and waving.

Grinning tooth-fully she said, "You shall always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sp—err, John Chickadee!"

"You know," Ritsu whispered in her ear, "That blatant rip-off is almost as bad as just calling yourself Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Do us a favor, lass," she said, moving her hands in a drunken manner, "And hush up."

Lifting her foot, she brought it down on—

Hold on!

Tohru rolled her eyes and glared at the ceiling, "What NOW!"

Gasp! You're questioning me!

"So?"

. . . . I liked you better before.

"Well," Tohru sighed expaspetatedly, "What is it!"

Don't you think that this scene would sound so much cooler if it had Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack in the background?

"I really don't see your point. The scene would finish the same way."

Yeah. But it'd be _cooler._

One of the agents nodded. "She does have a point."

Ah-hah! There. Off to find my boom-box . . . Here it is!

De do duh, de duh, do, do duh de, do daaah—

Shit, that's the Harry Potter music! . . . . Here we go . . .

Do dun dunh duhn dah, do dah dunht dunht dah, dunt dunt dah dah, dunh dunh dunt dah!

As the Pirates of the Caribbean music pounded on dramatically, Tohru raised her foot again. Bringing it down on the secret button hidden there, she was flushed down the toilet! No joke.

The music faithfully following them, they sent through the sewers. Tohru was still grinning in a gleeful evil manner, while Ritsu was screaming about how septic waste was bad for his hair. Along the way, they passed a manner of trivial things: a lot of slime, some rats, a lipstick container, a blue heart-shaped stone on a necklace, and a creepy little creature muttering about how he lost his precious. Nothing really important.

They fell out right on top of the fruit stand (surprisingly, it didn't break). Tohru brushed some of the worse stuff off of her, and struck a dramatic pose.

Duhn dunh duh dun, bah badi boom, duhn dunh duh dun, bah bahi boom, dah duh dunt dah!

"Wonderful!" Tohru/Captain John Chickadee exclaimed, picking up a spare fig, "Just what I needed!"

"How do you stand this skirt?" Ritsu asked, pulling the short-short skirt lower while Tohru/Captain John Chickadee started to shove figs into various pockets. "And what are the figs for?

"That's for me to know, and for the undead monkey to try to steal."

" . . . . What?"

"Don't you remember? Monkey steals, me shoot, monkey steals again?"

"Tohr . . . Captain John Chickadee, that's only in the movie."

". . . Say, you're a monkey" Captain John Chickadee turned towards Ritsu, an evil gleam in her eye.

"Products for turning effeminate red-heads into undead slaves in aisle six, products for turning effeminate red-head into undead slaves in aisle six, thank you," Shigure announced over the intercom, chuckling evilly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**000000**

"Hm?" Yuki asked looking up from his ramen, sitting on the floor of aisle eight (microwaveable foods) with Kyo, Akito, and Hatori, "What was that noise?"

Kyo shrugged, and then looked at the bowl of ramen in his hands. "Hey, does any one else feel weird?"

Akito nodded, and looked at the ramen critically. "I have the desire to either shout 'Believe it!' and throw kunai knives, or to hunt after jewel shards and beat up little foxes . . ."

"Yeah," Kyo agreed, looking deep into Akito's eyes, "That feeling."

_There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold  
__And she's buying the stairway, to heaven_

Akito blushed lightly. "You feel it too, Kyo?"

"Yes," Kyo breathed as he inched closer, feeling heat radiate from the God-on-Earth.

_And when she gets there she knows, if the stores all are closed  
__With a word she can get what she came for_

Hatori leaned towards Yuki. "Hey, I thought he digged you?"

Yuki slurped his ramen indifferently, "I'm not complaining."

_Woe ooooooooooooh!  
__And she's buying a stairway to heaven_

"Akito-sama," Kyo whispered, his lips scant inches from Akito's.

Akito grinned to himself, mentally doing the "I'm getting laid tonight!" dance while unscrewing the bottle of Viagra pills behind his back, "Yes?" he asked innocently, his eyelashes fluttering.

_There's a sign on the wall, but she wants to be sure  
_'_Cause you know sometimes words have two meeeeanings  
__In a tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings  
__Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven. _

"You have some spinach stuck in your teeth."

"GODDAMNIT!" screamed a voice from the ceiling, "SOMEONE KISS ALREADY!"

"It's okay Shigure; we'll simply have to sing a more melodious song."

Akito's eyes twitched as his heart sunk, then thought of a brilliant idea "Will you get it out for me?"

"Certainly," Kyo smirked, and laced one hand into Akito's raven locks. Akito reassumed the "I'm getting laid tonight!" dance in his head, and slightly puckered his lips.

Kyo held out a hand back to Hatori. "Hand me some chopsticks. I'll have pick it out."

"AUGH! STUPID CAT!" Akito snarled and punched Kyo in the face, knocking him out. Standing up, he addressed the ceiling. "You! Snake and dog! Sing another song!"

"Ayame! I'm running out of songs I know how to play on the piano!"

"Here, let me try!"

_Easy living, living free  
__Season ticket on a one-way ride  
Asking nothing, leave me be _("Ayame? You sure we should be singing this?")_  
Taking everything in my stride _("Of course! We just sang Highway to Heaven. This song is mandatory.")

_Don't need reason, don't need rhyme  
Ain't nothing I would rather do  
Going down, party time  
My friends are gonna be there too_

_I'M ON A HIIIIIIGHWAY TO HELL!  
__HIIIIIIGHWAY TO—_

"No, no, NO!" Akito screamed while waving his hands, "I need something sexy for Kyo to wake up to!"

"Ooo! I got one, Ayame!"

_I'm, too sexy for my shirt,  
__Too sexy for my shirt  
__So sexy it huuurts  
__I'm, too sexy for Milan  
__Too sexy for Milan  
__New York and Jaaaaapan!  
__I'm, too sexy—_

"You IDIOTS!" Akito yelled again, "You're taking me WAY too literally! Something to get him IN THE MOOD!"

"Shigure! You on the drum set and me on saxophone!"

And surely, the 50's tune of "In the Mood" came blasting out over the speakers. Duht duh duht duh duht duh dah dah dah dah, dut dut duht dah!

Akito was angry. Very angry. You could see the little Black Cloud of Anger and Death forming over his head, along with little lighting-bolts, asterisk signs, and skulls and crossbones.

"Skulls and cross bones!" Tohru/Captain John Chickadee hollered, appearing at the end of the aisle, pointing at Akito, "Only a pirate can use those! You don't look like a pirate!"

Yuki looked over at her. Perched on her shoulder (she seemed to ignore the weight) was Ritsu, his skin a sickly shade of green and his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Brraaaaains . . ." murmured the monkey.

" . . . Shigure? Do we know any zombie songs?"

"I saw a TV-show once about ghouls, which are basically zombies. I'll stay on the drum set, you go on the piano. I think it can switch to electric guitar sounds . . ."

"That'll work! Let's hit it!"

_Don't be cool vibration  
Revolufantasy  
__Tell me fool talk show day and rain  
__Every stardom the rating  
Don't stop horror show inner darken  
Just say love_

Hatori rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You know, you aren't helping. At ALL."

Tohru/Captain John Chickadee looked at the ceiling. "You know, this sounds familiar."

"It was the theme song for the anime Hellsing," Akito said, before bursting into tears. "I need a man like Alucard! Someone SEXY and EVIL! I bet ALUCARD wouldn't accidentally hit on me! He'd save me from ghouls and make me a SEXY and EVIL vampire! And then we'd have hot, kinky, SEXY sex!"

In the next aisle, the group heard the sound of someone falling to the floor, and then saw a very buxom police-girl dragging a man in a red-trench coat and hat out of the store.

_Oh I've been watching biblation  
Take me want to talking revolution  
No have won these revelation  
They have one chance and it's gone  
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru  
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru_

"You know," Tohru/Captain John Chickadee mused, "Akito kinda looks like William Turn—Er, Tilliam Wurner . . . Oi! Eunuch! Akito!"

Akito looked up. "Did you just call me a eunuch! I'll have you know, my 'tackle equipment' is in full working—"

"Where's your bonny lass?" Captain John Chickadee asked, (Tohru's personality seems to have completely disappeared. . . .)

"My only bonny lass is Kyo!" Akito said dramatically, throwing a hand over his eyes, "Oh why won't he return my love!"

Captain John Chickadee rubbed his hands together and plotted deviously.

_Angels flying to the ready  
Revoluflymachine  
Jealous of beauty  
__Jealousy of love_

_Oh I've been watching biblation  
Take me want to talking revolution  
No have won cthese revelation  
They have one chance and it's gone _("This sure is a damn weird song.")_  
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru _("And we're all damn weird people!")_  
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru _("True! Go Shigure! KEEP ON SINING!")

Tohru threw an arm around Akito's shoulders and drew him close to her. "Say, you still have your Jesus pills, correct?"

"Tohru—"

"Captain John Chickadee!" she interrupted.

"Sure, but you're a girl . . . you don't have any use for . . . 'Jesus Pills'"

"But their Jesus pills, correct? So we each pop a few, walk across the ocean towards Tortuga, round up a crew, and then go search for the Black Pearl! Savvy?"

Akito blinked. "They don't work that way."

_Oh I've been watching biblation  
Take me want to talking revolution  
No have won these revelation  
They have one chance and the feelings gone  
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru _("Sing for me, Ayame, my angel of music!")_  
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru _("He's there, the phantom of the opera!")

"I'll show you!" Captain John Chickadee wrenched the bottle out of Akito's hands, and poured the whole bottle down her throat. She gave the empty bottle back to Akito, and burped. ". . . Do I look any holier?"

Yuki felt the noodles slip off of his chopsticks and back into the bowl. Wide-eyed, he turned towards Hatori. "How many pills were in there?"

**000000**

Extra Disclaimer: I don't own Inu-Yasha, Naruto, ramen, Hellsing, The World Without Logos, Stairway to Heaven, Highway to Hell, I'm Too Sexy, In The Mood, (and for my previous chapter) Can You Feel The Love Tonight, and I Don't Wanna MissA Thing. Did I get everything?

Lil' Devil 66: You don't own Viagra either.

Riiiiiight.

Anyways, review! Be it either compliments, critism, flames, or offers to make our pen-fifteens two inches longer, review! Please. We're on our knees, BEGGING!

Reeeevieeeew!


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